MSU Extension Child & Family Development

A source of frustration for many parents is expecting children to do things before they are ready. Understanding the growth and development your child goes through from birth through age three will ease your expectations and help you anticipate when growth and development is likely to occur. This Michigan State University Extension article series will help parents better understand those important milestones. Previous articles in this series focused on motor skills and speech and language. This second article focuses on social skill development. Social and emotional skills include the ability to regulate feelings and the ability to solve problems and interact with others in a positive fashion.

For children, social skills grow slowly throughout the first three years. A look at the Ages and Stages Social Emotional Questionnaires can give you a very good snapshot of developmental expectations. The first 12 months are dedicated to trusting and bonding with the caregivers in their lives. The next 12 months, leading up to 24 months of age, are about making wants and needs known while beginning to show oppositional behaviors and test boundaries. The months from age two to age three, or 36 months of age, are about learning to cooperate and figuring out how to separate from their caregivers. There are many other aspects of development over these years as well, however, it is extremely important for parents and caregivers to remain patient and understanding as children learn to traverse the world around them.

By the age of two, children can be expected to begin to use their words to make wants known; however, they aren’t quite ready to use words to let others know how they are feeling. It takes until around age three for children to express their feelings with language, rather than physical actions, which is often established through play and interactions with others their own age. As children develop their language from 24-36 months, it can often be frustrating to handle their expression of feelings, wants and needs to others who they don’t spend time with on a regular basis.

It is completely expected for children to be physical with other children until they have amassed around 50 words and can use their words consistently to express their wants, needs, feelings and emotions. Physical expression with others includes pushing, some hitting, and even throwing objects to gain attention and get others, especially children, to pay attention to them. Remember, as an adult we know how to express our feelings through words, so it’s natural to want children to do the same as soon as possible. The best thing for caregivers to do is work consistently on their child’s language development, especially vocabulary, and be patient with their actions towards others.

Once language has developed past 50 words, and 2-3-word phrases are consistently used, children often begin to stop being so physical towards others. They will use their words with consistency and find it easier to get needs met, develop friendships and learn to follow instructions and routines while beginning to understand rules and expectations.

Ultimately, it is important to be patient with children as they develop and reach new milestones. Often, parents want their children to develop faster than is appropriate or necessary. All children follow a specific path for development, however, they will not all develop at the same time. Remember, expectations are important for parents, but the child is going to meet developmental milestones when they are ready, and not because they are being pressured. MSU Extension has created Parenting the Preschooler fact sheets and articles to help with understanding expectations for entering the preschool years.

You can learn more about child development, find parent and caregiver webinars and discover family activities by visiting the MSU Extension Child and Family Development webpage and the MI Stronger Family Facebook page.