Parenting during a child's disappointment

Empathy, listening, encouragement, self adovocacy, and unconditional love are key to working through disappointment.

Whether it’s not being invited to a party, being cut from a team or a low grade, all young people will experience disappointments. It’s crushing as a parent. Our responses can be very emotional and reactions quite impulsive.

Michigan State University Extension cares about healthy relationships. The early childhood and social emotional educator teams offer trainings, both online and face to face around the state, along with resources in communities and materials online.

Nurturing Parenting approach and evidenced base research would suggest a healthy response to our children’s disappointment would include:

Empathize

“I can see you are upset.” “I know this hurts.” Sometimes our instinct is to rush through this, but try leaving it at this. We may see their disappointments as minor which sets us up for trivializing and rushing them through their feelings.

Listen

Let you child know you are there when they want to talk. When they speak with you try not to say much in response instead affirm what they say with phrases like “Tell me more.” “What makes you say that?”

Be their cheerleader

Everyone needs to know someone has their back, especially young people! Our thoughts of praise as parents need to drown out the doubts and negative thoughts our children have. Praise him/her they need to hear it. “I’m proud you are my son/daughter.”

Help them find their voice

Maybe it’s the courage to talk with a coach about areas they need to improve, or getting help with a school subject. Stepping in on their behalf may be our gut reaction, but rather equipping them for those opportunities has longer lasting impact. Supporting them through those times will give them assurance and skills to do it on their own in future situations. Their success in being part of the solution is a wonderful moment to celebrate and build’s back what may be shaken.

Give unconditional love

Being too focused on their success may leave them feeling they must win, make the team, have the lead in the play, on an on as a means of earning love. The greatest gift and resource for resilience is knowing you are loved no matter what. Children who are told, shown and feel they are valued for who they are separate from what they do develop strong self-worth. Young people carry their self-worth into every new situation and either step out or hold back. As parents our role is to give a firm foundation that they are loved.

To contact an expert in your area, visit people.msue.msu.edu or call 888-MSUE4MI (888-678-3464).

Did you find this article useful?