MSU Extension Child & Family Development

“No!” “I hate you!” “You will NEVER understand!” “It’s not FAIR!” “You are SO MEAN!”

Ever heard these words from your child? It can be hard as a parent to understand that your children will get angry, test limits, be sullen and generally go through some infamously trying phases of life. Whether it’s the terrible twos or a stereotypically grouchy teenager, these are difficult, but typical stages of child development. So what are you to do as a parent? Michigan State University Extension offers the following tips to help parents navigate these tough parenting moments.

1. Keep your cool. As hard as it can be, maintaining your sense of presence and calm is critical to diffusing a stressful situation. Parents teach their children how to handle stress and anger through their behavior and reactions. Model coping strategies to your children, be they toddlers or teens. Take deep breaths, remove yourself from the situation, listen to music, etc. Tell your children what you are doing and why. For example: “I am going to take a shower to help me calm down. When I get out, we will talk about this situation.” Or perhaps: “I am taking ten deep breaths to help my brain calm down.” Know that you will not manage to de-escalate a situation when you are also upset.
2. Teach children about feelings and emotions. Give your children the words to name their feelings. Are they mad at you? Or are they really mad they didn’t make the volleyball team? Do they really feel like you are trying to ruin their life? Or are they hurt because they feel left out? It can be tricky to dive into difficult feelings to untangle where they originate. Your children may not even know why they are mad! But they do know that you are a safe person and will always love them no matter how grouchy they are. Make talking about feelings a safe thing in your home. Model what it looks like to explore your own feelings. Say out loud, “I’m really feeling frustrated today, and I’m not exactly sure why. It may be because of this situation at work. Or maybe it’s because of the mess in the living room? I’m not sure, but I may seem a little grumpy.”
3. It is okay to be mad! Parents often say that they just want their children to be happy, but the truth of the matter is that we want our children to experience a wide range of authentic emotions. We want them to feel indignant when their friend is wronged, sad when they’re hurt, mad when they’re lied to, etc. Sometimes in trying to teach children not to be physically reactive (hit, bite, etc.), we may give the message that what isn’t okay is the FEELING rather than the BEHAVIOR. “It’s okay to be mad. But we do not hit when we are mad. You can go for a walk, take ten deep breaths, read a book, listen to music, tear-up paper, etc.”
4. Adult provides, child decides. Provide your children with a wide range of things that are acceptable to do when they are upset. It’s important that this is more than a “quiet corner” or something similar. What helps you calm down? What about your partner? Or friends? We all have a friend who finds running to be a great way to relax. Others would find running to be extremely stressful. Children are the same way! Some children need the opportunity for physical activity in order to calm down. In fact, physical activity biologically reduces cortisol and stress hormones. Other children may need that quiet corner, a lovey, a quiet hug, etc. Teach your children what is a safe and acceptable choice to manage their anger in your home.
5. Be empathetic. It can be really challenging at times to be empathetic with your children and their behavior. However, when we can connect with our children through empathy, we can go along way to help them understand how much you love them and care about them. You probably can totally understand why it’s disappointing that they’ve lost the chance to go to that birthday party. Or why they were so mad that their brother broke their new toy. Connect with them with empathy before you offer the explanation or lecture about why they’re in this situation to begin with. “It’s got to be SO upsetting that your brother just broke your Lego set! I would be really mad too!”

To learn more tips to handle your children’s anger and frustration, join a MSU Extension parenting education class online or in-person near you.