MSU Extension 4-H Adulting 101

Welcome everyone to MSU Extensions Adulting 101 session. We are super glad you decided to join us for today's session, Fostering Healthy and Happy Relationships. Were our speaker will be talking about all about relationships and how we navigate them in a healthy way. My name is Kathy Jameson, and I am honored to serve as an educator for MSU Extension and coordinator of the Adulting 101 Program. I am super excited to have with us. Darien Wilkerson, present on today's topic. Darien is a licensed mental health therapist that has experience with treating individuals, couples across the lifespan. He is also an MSU extension educator and my colleague that leads workshops and trainings with emotional wellness within the community. He is also a national certified counselor through the Board of Certified Counselors. We are super happy to have you here today, Darien. I'm going to move on. MSU Extension programs are open to everyone. MSU Extension believes fully in the principles of diversity, equity, and inclusion. We know that human differences enrich our lives, our work, and our community. And we embrace our responsibility to be a resource for all and are committed to providing programs to all segments of our community. Here is the map of what we're going to be talking about today. Let me just move this chat out of my way here. I just did introductions. Um, at the next slide, we're going to talk a little bit about the housekeeping, and then we're going to give some quick notes. Defining healthy and unhealthy relationships, practicing boundaries, as well as practicing consent, managing conflict, navigating break ups. And then we have a quick survey for you to complete. That is our overview of today's program. A little bit about the housekeeping, you're no longer able to type in chat. We did that in the very beginning. If you do have questions, if you can put them in the Q and A, we will answer as many as we possibly can. Towards the end of the session, the session is being recorded right now, that will be available to everybody in probably a week or so. We will close caption it that way people will be able to review it at their convenience. We do have a number of self reflective activities that are in this presentation. If you could grab a paper and pencil or some kind of writing utensil, that would be very, very helpful. Take a moment to do that. Then I am going to turn it over to Darien to get started. All right. Thank you, Kathy, I think you forgot to mention that I'm also a superstar movie star, all those kind of things. And also, I fib, I'm totally kidding. But thank you everyone for being a part of this today. Relationships are tough, We've all been there. I've been there. This is not a situation that can be easily navigated. So what we're going to do today is really talk in the aerial perspective. Meaning we're going to do a 30,000 foot view of all these different topics. Because within an hour you can't touch everything in a lot of detail. But please put your questions in that Q and A slot here as we're navigating this. Some quick notes, again, some fore warnings, right? Topics discussed can resonate discomfort due to current and past personal experiences. Please create the space you need to take care of yourself if need be no harm, no foul, if you have to do that. Again, some resources will be provided at the end of the session if you're interested, just to know that there's national resources out there for support when it comes to navigating relationships and things of that nature. Also for some ground rules want to be curious and not critical. And that's for yourself and others again. And we've all been there good or bad, for not always the guilty party or the ones that are actually doing the right thing. It happens, life happens. Don't be critical. Be curious with this information and how do you apply it in your future. No, questions are a dumb question. Please put any questions you have. Q and A. We'll try to get to as many as we can. As time allows for it and also have a little bit of fun. We're going to have some activities here. Please try to participate as much as you can to learn and take away as much as you can. From this power point, we can hit the next button on that. Getting into it. Journal Reflections. I'm already giving everyone a prompt. If you have a paper or pen in front of you, just jot down. Give you close to a minute. What are some qualities that make a relationship healthy? What qualities make a relationship unhealthy? This is just starting building block to see where everyone's at right now. It's going to be some awkward silence, but give it a little bit just to think about it. Pull yourselves into that. Whatever relationship, this is friendships, this is romantic relationships, all that. Think about what makes those healthy or unhealthy. (silence) Hey, so hopefully, I didn't catch anyone in mid thought, but we're really want to move forward and then whatever, you have to put your pencil down and we're going to just jump into the other slide here. And we're going to talk a little bit more about healthy and unhealthy relationships and the signs of those, right, with this clip. This is based off of the One Love Foundation. One Love is a national nonprofit that caters around relationship wellness and how do you navigate it it's talking a little bit more about those signs. We are more equipped and know how do we respond in those moments. We're going to start this clip and it's going to walk us through some unhealthy and healthy signs. And see from your journal response if anything matches and anything surprised you. Just curious with that. But we're going to hit play here. We're going to watch this. We'll only be a couple minutes to walk us into what are some signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships. Hi everyone, My name is Libby. (no sound) Benefit from learning how to love better. Ten signs of an unhealthy relationship. If you're seeing any of these ten unhealthy signs in your relationship, don't ignore them. Understanding these signs can help identify a toxic relationship before it becomes dangerous or abusive. Intensity: when someone expresses very extreme feelings and over the top behavior that feels overwhelming. Possessiveness : when someone is jealous, to a point where they try to control who you spend time with and what you do. Manipulation: when someone tries to control your decisions, actions or emotions. Isolation: When someone keeps you away from family, friends, and other people. Sabotage: when someone purposely ruins your reputation, achievements or success. Belittling: when someone does and says things to make you feel bad about yourself. Guilting: when someone makes you feel responsible for their actions or makes you feel like it's your job to keep them happy. Volatility: when someone has a really strong, unpredictable reaction that makes you feel scared, confused, or intimidated. Deflecting Responsibility: when someone repeatedly makes excuses for their unhealthy behavior. Betrayal: when someone is disloyal or acts in an intentionally dishonest way. Ten signs of a Healthy relationship. A healthy relationship does not mean a perfect relationship, but we can all strive to love better by practicing these ten healthy behaviors, Comfortable pace. Relationship moves at a speed that feels enjoyable and comfortable for each person. Trust: confidence that your partner won't do anything to hurt you or ruin the relationship. Honesty: you can be truthful and candid without fearing the other person will respond. Independence: having the space to be yourself outside of the relationship. Respect: You value one another's beliefs and opinions and love the other person for who they are. Equality: the relationship feels balanced and everyone puts the same effort into the success of the relationship. You feel like your needs, wishes and interests are just as important as the other person's Kindness: your caring and empathetic to one another, and provide comfort and support, Taking Responsibility: Owning your actions and words. You avoid placing blame. And you can admit when you've made a mistake, Healthy Conflict: openly and respectfully discussing issues and confronting disagreements non-judgmentally. Fun: You enjoy spending time together and you bring out the best in each other. The best way to learn about love is through one love. (no sound) Now that you've learned a little bit about the ten, okay, we watch that video and this is another visual of those ten healthy and nonhealthy relationship signs. We have those on the left for healthy and then on the right for the unhealthy. Definitely try to reflect back to your journal entries and see what stood out. What are some new things. Again, this seems very black and white. But as we know when it comes to relationships, these things can be very gray. People have the duality to be one or the other depending on the time situation, whatever. It's best for us to try to be mindful of how much we are tolerating and how much we are going through to determine is this relationship healthy for me? Long term, it's all about pattern. If you're noticing patterns more on either spectrum, then you know the full extent of what's going on in that relationship. So we'll hit next. All right, cool. We're getting into a poll activity. Hopefully you got that snapshot of what those signs of healthy and unhealthy relationships are. Those two questions are, which unhealthy behaviors do you see most often in your life or in those around you? Which healthy sign would you like to incorporate more in your life? We have a poll going on right now. We have a snapshot of what those are. So we can be familiar with those. But yeah, just curious, please participate and give us an understanding of what do you see more often than not. This is good or bad. Also notice that there's two questions in this poll. Both of these questions are answered, are asked. There's two parts to this poll, right? They are pouring in. I like that. I'd like to try to get to 75% We're at about 56% but it's coming in fast. Lots of emojis. Okay, I'm at 76. So I'm going to end the poll and we're going to share the results. I'm going to share the results. Wow, we have a pretty even display here. Manipulation and guilting are the two highest of the unhealthy behaviors seen often in your life or around others. And then, which healthy side would you like to incorporate more into your life? Very even- some of the higher ones are trust, honesty, respect, fun. A big one is healthy conflict. I have to agree with that one. That's probably my hardest. One is healthy conflict. Yeah. I appreciate everyone being a part of that. Just to recognize. Yeah, these things are tough. It's not easy to just recognize and be genuine to yourself and humbling to yourself like, yeah, man I've done these things or I've seen these things around me and I want to change. I want something to improve. So I think that's awesome that everyone seems to be very growth minded when it comes to these things. But we'll hit next. We'll explore a little bit more about why these things even happen, right? When it comes to relationships, the goal is always the healthy signs. We want to thrive in relationships, right? But then sometimes we just find ourselves getting stuck in these unhealthy, turbulent relationships. And the question is always why? Why do these things occur? What's going on? Is it me? Is it them? That's the big question, right? So when it comes to just unhealthy relationships in general, why do they occur? It's all about taking a step back and thinking about the emotional brain, right? Everyone has a brain, but there's, there's two functionings, right? Logical and emotional. Typically, when it comes to relationships, we want to find a balance. But more often than not, the emotional brain is taking over, right? What that is trying to do is trying to meet a need. Typically some of these needs. When it comes to emotions, we're not always going to come across the right way, right? But when it comes to just unhealthy relationships, the emotional brain is trying to meet a need based on these following things. Not all, but it can be some. Right? One could be unaddressed mental health challenges, right? Trauma, attachment styles, emotional dysregulation. Those things happen and they exist, and these things can really catch us in this moment. If you're one who's perpetrating or causing these things in a relationship, or you're the one staying out of fear or what have you, right? And that's like one of what's more the common ones. So we get into learned behaviors. Meaning, maybe this is something that you grew up around. Maybe your environment taught you, right? That these things are ideal. And these things happen in a relationship and kind alters their definition of love, right? And learned behaviors can be another thing that can cause unhealthy relationships or cause them to happen longer than we intend. Seeking control, right? More often than not, some of these things happen out of desperation. Some of these things happen out of fear of losing the person. Like we said from the poll, manipulation sometimes or oftentimes that comes from a place of seeking control out of fear of losing that control, right? And it goes down to the other one. When it comes to fear of abandonment and insecurities that are keeping us trapped in those things, however, there's always hope, right? Unhealthy behaviors can be worked on if someone's open and willing to get proper support, unless that recognition and understanding is like, man, I'm doing a lot of stuff or I'm going through a lot of stuff. Something has to change if we can get there. There's always a hope for recovery while all those things exist. While our background upbringing, our mental health challenges can be something that keeps us there. It doesn't mean we stay there forever if we want to take some action. Okay, I do see people raising their hands. I will get to some questions towards the ending here. So I do apologize. I promise you I'm not ignoring you. So we're going to shift over to why do we stay, right? A lot of times we kind of think about that, right? Why did they occur? And man, why am I still here? I bet that's number one question we all feel, and that's very common, and I just want to normalize that there's nothing wrong with you, okay? If there's nothing wrong with anyone who chooses to stay, it's good to understand why though, become curious with that. What's keeping me here, right? So again, this slides about that. So it could be limited to, or I'm addressing the following, right? You may not realize relationships are unhealthy and may recreate a prior emotional experience. Meaning, like I said, Upbringing. Sometimes our environment, our peer relationships. If we're so use to seeing a certain thing, then to us that means that it is common. It's natural and this is what it is. That means that should stay right. That's one thing that can happen. The relationship is not always bad. Like I said, this is a gray thing. Relationships are so gray, it's never so much of black and white. There's times when that person is like the best person for you. And then within the next, like, week or two, they can be the worst person for you. But there's always that hope that maybe they can get better. Maybe this can be different, right? The relationship is not always bad, so it makes us feel indecisive. What do we do from here, right? So, fear of restarting or too much investment, that's a big one, right? And this is really tricky if there's children involved, if there's any kind of dependency towards that person or, or you've been with that person for years, you're like, I don't want to restart man that's scary, like I don't know who's the next person going to be it, Am I even worthy? There's a lot of things that can really come up when it comes to restarting and it's very fear based, right? And that can be attached to feelings of low self esteem, like What's my worth after all this? like you start to question. So sometimes we can stay with people out of comfort, out of predictability, versus going to somebody else with a whole new slate of unknowns. And that's scary, right? And the last one is it can be scary to leave, It can be dangerous, right? Those we're talking more unfortunately, about physical, emotionally abusive relationships and the fear of leaving those that can really keep someone trapped. This couple of things to keep in mind where we think about unhealthy relationships and why do we stay, is trying to let everyone know there's nothing wrong with you at all. It's just, these are some of the situations that can happen that can make us stay trapped. What do we do with that? Right? We can hit next and we'll learn a little bit more. Okay, so we shift gears a little bit. A couple slides for about self, internal makeup, right? Well, what causes us to stay? What's going on? But let's say if you're seeing this in a friend and a peer and you're seeing all these signs and we're recognizing, man, this is not good for you. What are you doing? So how do you approach that? All right. A couple steps that could be beneficial, right? You want to approach with empathy, right? You want to use phrases such as, how are things going? I'm worried about you, that can be acceptable. Stay mindful within your cone, right? You want to make sure you're coming across as caring, compassionate. We're not coming across judgmental or accusatory, like man, like why didn't you dump that person? Last week? What's going on with you that's going to shut it down. So you want to make sure you know, lead with that compassion and really be attentional with your delivery. Right. And then again, when you're talking to that person, you want to use what you're noticing behaviorally rather than attacking the character of the person. Right. Using statements saying, "I have notice that.. you're checked out "right? Notice that like when you're around that person you're different. You don't seem so alive anymore. What's going on? Those are good to like pivot those conversations towards the behavior rather than the person so the person can still feel like they are getting catered to at that time. And at that time, that's the other person's floor to respond to talk, right? Just to be non-judgemental and you're listening, So pay attention to body language. We're not rolling our eyes, we're not doing anything that can make them feel like, okay, whatever I'm saying, they're not trying to hear it. You know? And then they might say, I'm fine, never mind. Don't worry about it. They might deflect. They may try to stop the conversation and say things are good, right? So you want to make sure when they're talking. We're trying to be paying attention to our non verbals and that's really key here. And then again, if you will get to this point, this is situational, encouraging action planning, no matter who it is, a friend or whatever, you want to make sure that you're trying to encourage support systems around them. "Who do you feel comfortable going to right now, this seems like a lot?" So what can we do in this moment, right? Let's get family and peers involved, if possible. Let's see if we can get professional support involved, right? That might be a conversation that is led by you talking to the family or friends or whatnot. But again, these are a couple options when it comes to action planning for these individuals. So we can hit next and we'll continue down this path. Okay, cool. So, mental notes. We're in this spot, so please be aware that you can be very intentional, very understanding, and do all the steps. And they can still say, don't want your help, what are you doing? Don't talk to me. Right? Your peer may deny or reject your support. Again, please do not take it personal. You want to respect their decision and continue to check in when needed, right, Because your friendship is important. But however, if they're in immediate danger, if you feel like their well being is at risk, something bad is going to happen, you might want to look into getting authorities involved. Right, 911, those kind of outlets. Because you want to make sure that your friend is safe and that can lead into ultimately betraying them or breaking the trust. But at the end of the day, it's about their safety. I would rather have someone being upset with me and then them still being okay versus not doing anything and staying trapped in that fear. That fear is valid, it's normal, there's nothing wrong with that. But it's trying to be mindful. Trying to gauge the risk factor here. Are they in immediate danger? Keep that in the back of your mind when you're looking at these options. But ultimately, at the end of The day when you're offering all this advice and everything. It may take multiple conversations before a person may leave the relationship because ultimately it has to be their choice. You can be the best friend in the whole wide world and they can still stay. You didn't do anything wrong. It's just at that time they're just not ready, not ready to let go. It could be a lot of reasons why they're still there, but eventually when they make that choice for themselves, it's going to be awesome experience to see, right? So we can hit the next button here. Some key takeaways from the healthy and unhealthy relationships, right? Every relationship will cycle through periods of healthy and unhealthy behaviors. So like I said, it goes back and forth. It's all about pattern. When you're noticing patterns in this, that's when you evaluate and see what needs to be done right. And also checking with people around you. Ask and see, hey, am I doing all right? Do you notice anything different? What do you think about this person? Get their viewpoints, get their opinions. And see the people that you deem trustworthy in your life. They might be able to see something that you can't. And everyone is bound to engage in unhealthy relationship behaviors. And as a lot of different reasons, it doesn't make you a bad person. It can lead to negative outcomes if you're not being too careful. Again, the goal is to gain awareness of these patterns and these behaviors that happen. And it takes the open curious mind, right to be able to shift, and that takes appropriate accountability. You don't want to beat yourself up, man, I'm doing this again. What's wrong with me? I'm X, Y, and Z. No. Sit there, validate what's going on. Understand that hey, I'm just human. At the end of the day, I just need to figure out what do I do from here, right? And you want to develop a growth mindset that's also internal. You want to do it for you rather than the individual. Because if you do it solely to change, to keep the relationship, then it's going to be short lived, right? You want to change just not only for the relationship but for you yourself. Hopefully that can go long term. All right, there are some key takeaways when it comes to that. Okay, let's keep moving. Okay, we're shifting into a boundary setting. Okay? So, definition and benefits of boundary setting. Boundaries, in a nutshell, is a roadmap for how people can treat us right. And it can help foster safety and protection. And it's important to ensure positive mental health. A couple boundaries that stand out. We have physical boundaries, right? Personal space, physical touch. Emotional: respecting one's opinions, feelings. Time: How do you use your time? Like, where's that threshold there? Then of course, there's the intimate boundaries, right? How you're really being touched under or over your clothes. So those are like those main four boundaries that we keep in mind, we can move forward. Okay, journal reflection. I've been talking a little bit. Let's pause for a second. Think about how comfortable you are at communicating your boundaries with your partner or friends or family. And then also sit there, and think Why is your comfort defined as that. If you have a lot of comfort holding these boundaries, why is that? Or if you feel like man, Darien, I guess it's hard for me. I don't even know where to begin say, okay, take a step back. Let's be curious. Why? What's causing that? I'm going to give everyone just a little bit to reflect. We'll go from here. I feel like I should have some background music going to help. Okay, I think we're going to do another poll here. There's actually three polls all in one and they're like fact or fiction or fact or myth of boundaries. Let me launch this poll. The first one is setting a boundary means you are being rude or is that fact or is that a myth? The second one is avoiding discomfort is needed when setting a healthy boundary. What do you think about that? Is that fact or myth? Then the last one is it is wrong to set a boundary if it upsets someone. Is that fact or myth? There's three questions we're going to give you a moment. They're coming in fast. We have a group that really wants to participate in. They're participating quite quickly. Yeah, I like that. We're at 70% already. We're going to get a little bit more. I'm going to a few more here. Okay, I reached, I exceeded my goal of 75. So I'm going to end the poll. I am going to share the results in. Hopefully you can see them. So the first one, the majority of you felt that it was a myth setting a boundary means you are being rude. Any comments on that? Darien? Yeah, fact or myth. Yeah, definitely myth, right? It can very much easily be perceived that if we're going to set this boundary we are rude. Mean. How could you? That's not the case, right? That is a myth boundary is more for you than the other person. It's going to leave an impression, but yeah, good insight on that, its a myth. Okay. The next one. Avoiding discomfort is needed when setting a healthy boundary. 62% of you thought it was a myth, whereas 38% felt it was a fact. I'll go over the next one because I think your next slide goes over all of these. It is wrong to set a boundary if it upsets someone. 3% thought it was a fact and the rest of you, 97% said it was a myth. So I'm going to stop sharing. And then we'll go on to the next slide. And Darien will dive deeper into these. Yeah. Thank you, Kathy. Okay, cool. Yeah, for those who participated, thank you so much. Truly, this isn't like a right or wrong necessary thing. Like if you answered the wrong thing, this is time to learn, right? There's no shame in it. But like I said for the first one, setting boundaries does not make you rude. This feeling is based on the reaction of others than the boundary itself, right? So we're always thinking about how are they going to perceive me if I do this thing? I'm going to lose them as a friend, as a partner. A lot of "What ifs?" pop up, but again, boundaries are made for yourself rather than the person involved. It is there to keep us safe, right? So always remember that when you're trying to set that boundary, Discomfort is naturally a part of setting healthy boundaries. The key is to find acceptance within discomfort to reduce the self critic that pops up. And that helps improving following through with it. Again, having that discomfort is very natural. It's not going to go anywhere. We have to find a way to find acceptance rather than avoiding. Because when we try to avoid discomfort is when boundaries become very loose and they don't really get held that long. So it's just trying to find a way to sit with that, like okay, I did it, it's okay. I felt a lot. It's good. And be proud of the fact that you set that firm boundary. Again, for the last one. It is not wrong to set a boundary at the cost of someone's emotions. We cannot control the reaction of others and can only, and only hope in time that they understand your intentions. Again, we can't control what they're going to respond with. If they're going to create distance, if they're going to lash out. In that space, they have that control to manage those reactions. But for you, if you feel like it's going to cause safety comfort for you to set that boundary. Always encouraging to do that first because hopefully over time they understand why you made that decision. Okay, hit the next button for me. Okay, so we're going to watch another clip. Dives more into like how to set healthy boundaries. Gives us more of a visual with that. We'll watch that and we'll keep moving forward. Hello, and welcome back to the prevention connection. Today's video will cover boundaries, what they are, how we set them, and how we can make sure to stick to them once they're in place. Let's first break down what a boundary is. Boundaries are the limits and invisible lines we set for ourselves. They are the guidelines on what we feel comfortable with and the expectations we have of the people we interact with. Boundaries can be present in all aspects of our lives. They can do a lot to make our lives more balanced. They help keep our relationships and selves healthy, enable us to make ourselves a priority, and help others understand our needs. For example, a healthy boundary to have with our friends is to be respectful of each other's values. Chances are you and your friends will disagree sometimes. For example, I value time and my friends are often late two events and don't care if it bothers me. A boundary I'd set is telling them how it makes me feel and asking them to respect my time. A healthy friendship allows people to prioritize different things and maintain respect. Boundaries are personal to us, they can be shaped by many things. Like, culture, where we live, our personality type, our life experiences, and our family. But how do we know what boundaries to set? Well, you can pay attention to how certain people in situations make you feel. Situations or people that make you feel unsafe, overwhelmed, or make you want to avoid them should be acknowledged and respected. Respecting ourselves and acknowledging our rights is critical to setting healthy boundaries. Make a list of key values that are important to you, such as, I have a right to say no without feeling guilty. Be treated with respect. Make my needs as important as others. Be accepting of my mistakes and failures. And I have a right not to meet others unreasonable expectations of me. Once we have figured out what our boundaries are, how do we set them? Be assertive. Use clear I statements to communicate what you need. Learn to say no and do not feel the need to justify your no. Get help if needed. As we mentioned, some boundaries are tricky, especially when they are dealing with dangerous situations such as addiction or mental health issues. Although they are difficult to set at first, boundaries are great tools to help keep us safe and healthy. Boundaries are not only for us. They also help us respect the space and needs of others. We can respect other people's boundaries by listening when they tell us what they need. Being mindful if someone appears uncomfortable. One way to do this is looking for cues such as avoiding eye contact, turning away, limited conversation response, nervous gestures like laughing, talking fast, folding arms, stiffening posture, or flinching. If you are still unsure if they're uncomfortable, ask! Create a safe space for them to express their discomfort and boundaries with you. There will come a time where your boundaries will be tested. Someone does something that you are not comfortable with or you're put in a situation where you feel obligated to violate a boundary you have set for yourself. Prepare for these difficult situations and how you want to respond. Boundaries are the limits we set for ourselves. It is up to us to decide what they are and when to set them. We hope you found this video helpful. If you would like additional resources on healthy boundary setting, check out our description box below. As always, don't forget to like subscribe. Okay, so we are back at it. I was definitely gauging some of these Q and A's and I'm just going to try to make time towards the ending to really answer those. Please hang tight with me on that. But in terms of shifting gears to practicing consent, this is more of a snapshot of it. Okay? Consent is asking or responding to requests that pertains to one's personal boundaries. Consent is self determined. It should not be swayed by peer pressure. The only time you would ever want to rethink like a boundary that you're setting or saying yes or no to something is if internally you feel like it's going to benefit you at the end of the day versus fearing what's going to happen if I say no, right? So consent can be hard to express or identify because of one's personal experience. Meaning, if there's a past where we have struggled or we finally vocalized no, then we got a really big smack in the face like a rejection, yelling, what have you. It's going to be hard to really set that boundary or be able to practice consent in a healthier way, right? So as a person who is going towards a conversation, you want to always hear the person say yes or no. But given past experiences, you want to also look at non-verbal consent as well. So if someone looks nervous or they seem more guarded or they're, you know, you kind of get that feeling like they're not really saying yes, they're not really saying no. They're, they're kind of in the middle. That's when more curiosity and question should come in, right? Like is this making you comfortable? Like, how do you feel right now? You want to make sure any kind of situation when it comes to consent, you are trying to get the person's ultimate honest answer. And trying to take that in stride right. Not trying to internalize it and feel like, man, this person doesn't care. They don't like me, what's wrong with me? It's so easy to get caught up in that loop, and that's where some of those responses come from. But you want to make sure that in that moment that you're trying to do what's best for that person. As a quick tip, right? Any kind of friendships or romantic relationships, it's always good to try to have early conversations about boundaries, early in, so there's no questioning or gray when it comes to it in the future. That can be something that as we're getting to know our partner, we make it a game, right? Just like, hey, these like fun facts about me and Q and A's or getting to know me better. You can throw that in there. Ask some questions like hey, what makes you comfortable versus being uncomfortable? What does that look like for you? So you kind of have a gauge on that person and we're not jumping ahead and getting so caught up in the moment and it can happen, but the biggest sign about practicing healthy consent is being able to respect that boundary when it is presented to us. Right? Okay. Some key takeaways for boundaries and consent in general. Boundaries are made for you rather than the person involved. Seek to find comfort within discomfort when setting boundaries. And you want to grow insight and confidence within yourself so you can strengthen that consent management. Meaning if we have a hard time knowing who we are as a person, we're always going to seek validation in other people. And that puts us in a trap to actually say yes or not have boundaries whatsoever out of fear of losing people or feeling like we're not going to have anyone around us. It takes time. I'm not saying this is going to happen overnight. But what I am saying is, take time to explore and evaluate who you are as a person and really make a list, what do you like versus what you don't like. And that could be out of people, relationships, or whatever. So when the time comes, you know how to respond and you feel strong in that belief, right? You're creating a belief system. And again, once a boundary is set, attempt to not sway unless self determined. If it's going to meet a need that is for you that you feel like you're going to gain something in it in a positive way. Then shifting a boundary can very much be acceptable, right? Does not to be bad, but there's some key takeaways when it comes to boundaries and consent. Okay. Okay. We're going to another poll. It's on managing conflict. The poll is how would you define conflict within relationships? Would you define it as good, bad, or it depends? It is launched. The answers are coming in pretty quickly. So we're going to give you a couple more seconds for this. All right? I am going to end the poll and share the results. The bulk of you, 92% says it depends. There was a couple. 7% said it's good. In a couple of you said bad. I'm going to turn it over to Darien for some of his insight. Next slide. Yeah, like what everyone's saying, it depends. And based on personal experiences, it can very much be a black or white. It can be no danger zone not going to touch that. Yeah, it's not too bad. Right. All those responses are all valid. There's really no right or wrong. Good baseline. But it's good to know that there are different kinds of conflict in our life, right? We have healthy conflict and we have unhealthy conflict. The goal is always to try to meet healthy conflict. We're going to have that with anybody, right? Core things to keep in mind for a healthy conflict. It provides opportunity to make a change. Its solution focused. Offers opportunity to have benefit of the doubt. Meaning we're not jumping, jumping to conclusions and saying, well you're doing this and I know you're doing this. Because it's like, well, slow it down, let's really think about what's really happening. And of course, it increases understanding, trust, and it can strengthen relationships. And of course, the unhealthy side of things, which creates more problems than prior. The goal is to win the argument. You're not trying to be solution focused. You're trying to be like, I'm going to win this bad boy. I want to say whatever I need to say for you to understand where I'm coming from. And it can be from a good place because you feel like you're not being heard. But that's not ideal, all right? Arguments can never reach a resolve, or one or both people can feel attacked, offended, or degraded in the process. The best part is trying to stay in the healthy conflict as much as we can. So , me being a therapist, there's is a guy and a wife named Julie and John Gottman. They do, they created couples therapy. Couples work. This can really be stretched into friendships as well. But they really talked about healthy conflict resolution and how do you get there? Right? The first step is you want to approach with a softened start up, right? So you don't want to come in meeting their aggression. And you want to start off being gentle, soft spoken with your approach and that can really set the tone, right? You want to accept the influence of the person that you're hearing from, right? You want to find a way to express agreement or really understanding for what the person is trying to say or ask of you. All right? And then you want to make effective repairs during the conflict. That's head nodding. Taking responsibility, asking for forgiveness. All those things are repairs during the conflict and it makes the whole dialogue change. You get to deescalating. You want to keep the dialogue solution focused. "You, you, you" you're doing this. Say okay, I'm hearing you. I'm sorry. What do we do from here? What can be different now? Right? And then self soothing. So if you're feeling like it's not going anywhere, you guys are going back and forth and trying all these tricks that John Gottman saying, okay, maybe we need to time out, all right? Maybe we need to just take a deep breath. Really, just check back in the next like ten, fifteen minutes and talk about this again. During that time out, you want to try to engage in activities of self soothing, to return with a common demeanor. Anything that just brings you happiness. Watching a TV show, working out, anything that can be helpful, you're trying to come back so you can reach the final point which is compromising. How do both people benefit from this? What do we do differently moving forward? So we're not trying to hold on to all this built up anger, resentment, things like that, right? Hopefully, following the steps can be helpful to foster healthy conflict for the future. A quick takeaways, right? Conflict is natural within relationships and it doesn't have to be bad, like everyone said, right? It depends. If done right, conflict can be healthy and promote needed change to improve the relationship. During conflict, the following are encouraged. The things that John Gottman said definitely try to follow that as much as you can. The goal of the conflict is to seek understanding and compromise rather than winning the argument. When we're in our emotions, we're always trying to win but right now, lets take a step back, Do that deep breathing and see what we can do to make this different, okay? All right. We'll hit the next button. So self reflection. This is more journal entry. Again, thinking about it to yourselves, we're getting to breakups. How do you navigate a break up? Think about the time that you or someone close to you experienced a break up. What was the experience like? How did you or someone close to you navigate that break up? This can be a tough one. Do you want me to keep on going? Yeah. Feel free to keep in the back of your minds. What we're navigating through this break up slide. Okay. Just quick, behind the scene stuff when it comes to break ups. And why did we really feel all these emotions, the amygdala, in our brain Right? It gets activated and it causes a flood of emotions and stress responses in our body. And it really causes a system overload. With that, it really drops our prefrontal cortex, which is there for rational thinking and decision making. That actually drops the amygdala goes off, our prefrontal cortex. It reduces irrational thinking and decision making when we're doing all these things, trying to get back, trying to, we're lashing out we're doing all these things we're not proud of. It makes sense why we do that. Right? Again, it declines within the hormone levels such as dopamine, which is like the pleasure and reward and oxytocin, which is the bonding and attachment chemicals in our brain. Those actually drop. That's why we're really going through like a sign of withdrawal right when we don't have that person next to us anymore. Our body is trying to make sense of what happened and why we can't have this person again. But again, it's always hope and recovery for break ups. And how do we get through it, even though our brains crying out for help and support like, hey, this is not feel good. What do we do from here? Here's some quick tips that we can put into place. Yet, the next button right here. Okay, so how do you navigate a break up? First step is you want to acknowledge what you're feeling, good or bad. This could be dread, anger, whatever, or it could be excitement, happiness, right? It can be the whole other spectrum. There's no shame around that. We just want to try to find a way to acknowledge that. Short term steps. You want to find you again after this break up. You want to try old or new interests and try to do like a vision boarding project. Vision boardings, when you're really think about what life looks like 3, 6, 12 months out, from there on out. And what does that look like for you now that this person is not in your life? It can be hard to do that. Like I can't see anything beyond this point, that's the problem. But like, well, really sit there and think, what are some goals and stuff you have in mind prior to that person being in your life? How can that be revived again? And really see what that looks like for you in the future. Consider professional support, right? So always feel like you can tap into professional outlets to help with emotional processing. Having more healthy coping strategies surrounding a break up. Presence of support system. Stay connected, right? Be socially connected with others around you, you don't feel so alone. And then you want to rearrange physical environment, right? It's always a silly one, but it can be very powerful. That can be changing your lock screen on your phone. That can be, well looking at your room like, you know what, I really want to move that bed to this other corner or I want to get new sheets, or I want to do all these different things you're trying to do, like a chapter change in your life, externally, with your environment. That can be any of those kind things, right? So it helps with that fresh start. The long term goal though, when it comes to navigating break ups, you want to get to the place where vulnerability can be achieved again, because with the break up you can't trust again, right? Or you question it. The goal is to try to continue to work on yourself, with the support, professional or just within your life so you can gain that resilience. to try to trust people again and restart, right? And learn from that. What did you learn from that relationship? What are some of the positives or negatives from that relationship? That you can apply to your future one and it could be traits about the partner. Well, I like that he did this or I didn't like that he did that. So now you have a list and you stick to that list. And that goes back to boundary setting, right? I'm not going to try to do that again as an example. Okay, so again, quick takeaways. No matter what if it was you who ended it or you were broken up with break ups can be emotionally tolling. It creates a lot of different changes in our brain that causes our behaviors and thinking to adjust. Or it can intensify preexisting stuff, right? So if we have mental health challenges that we struggle with, low self esteem and everything smack on a break up, it's just going to make you plummet and feel worse. These things are all natural. There's nothing wrong with you. But again, you must be able to validate your emotions and seek support to start that journey of healing again. You want to focus on vulnerability and becoming confident in you, and that's going to be a good way to try to help with relationships in the future, okay? National resources on this slide, like I said, One Love Foundation. There's the URL for that. Like I said, they are a nonprofit. That they do a lot of work around relationship wellness and there's a couple different phone numbers to keep in mind. National Domestic Violence Hot Line, 988- National Suicide and Crisis Hotline. All these are really good resources to utilize if you need support. But always, please definitely connect with family and loved ones around you as well if you're going through any distress with your relationships because those can be the right people as well that can really support you, okay? Then there's the resources. It's not all from my noggin, there's people out there that have some articles and stuff out there about this stuff. And I just practice it in my life. Those are those, okay. So there's a survey review. Use your phone, try to do a response. And let me know what you guys think about the presentation today. I will. As you guys are doing that, I'm going to pull up and see some questions that I have time to answer, so there's a couple of them about recordings, I will send out the recording link. Some people are wondering about the past ones, but that will be sent out in an E mail. But I want to leave this for Darien, his expertise. Got it. Okay. So we've got a couple minutes, let's pick this one. Do you have any tips for navigating a friend group after a former friend spread a lot of really hurtful rumors about you? I want to reconnect with some of the people from this group, but the former friend in question put a lot of time and effort into ruining my reputation. And the thought of rebuilding it seems very daunting and painful. I'm sorry that happened. Tricky, tricky territory, right? The only thing I would encourage is there's going to be some boundary setting that needs to be in place there. Really, looking at while they did bring a lot of good in your life, at one point trying to determine, okay, at this piece, is this something I can go back into feeling like I can trust them again? Am I'm always going to be wondering, and skeptical about their intentions? Maybe this is where we branch off. This is when I think and try to reset and try to find another group over time that might actually be more towards my interest, right? And that will mean feeling alone for a while, but again, trying to look at long term goals, is I'd rather be alone, gain my self esteem and all that, and get to a better thriving friendship, a group versus going back. And it's so easy to want to go back, so I'm not going to shame you for that. I'm just saying that there's definitely other options here that you should definitely consider, right? I'm sorry that happened. Here's another question. How do you know if a past relationship was neglectful or pushing over your boundaries? I feel like I need a little bit more context for that. I know we don't have much time. How do you know if it's neglectful or pushing boundaries? Well, initially, you felt like something was off. So I would say if you feel like something is off and you feel like your needs weren't being met, then there's obviously signs that it was unhealthy. Now, depending on the reason it was neglectful because of the person's past and they just weren't aware. Or was it neglectful because they were trying to punish and they were trying to gain control in that? That's up for interpretation. That's the piece, I don't know, but I would say think about how you felt, and validate your feelings in that moment, and that would let you know. Is that a safe relationship or a person to be back around and thinking about, how do you apply that to feature relationships? I hopefully answered your question. Kathy, we got time for one more. Yeah, possibly. What do you do if we use healthy skills like setting a boundary and the other person is defensive or feels hurt? Oh, there's that thing about boundaries again. Yeah, they feel defensive or feel hurt. Well, the first thing is find a way to find acceptance in that . You can't control their reaction. And hopefully they understand where you're coming from at some point . You can let them know, "Hey, I know this is hard, this is tough to hear, but this is what I need for myself. If that means needing space for a while, and then coming back to, then let's do that. But this is for me." and I really hope you understand that. I would just encourage continuing to have that open dialogue if need be. If they need space, they need space, but you can't control, unfortunately, the response to that. Hopefully, I answered that question. Yes, we only have one more minute. So I just want to just briefly invite everybody to join us for our next Adulting 101, which will be March 19, 6-7 Eastern Time. This one is going to be on keeping your money safe. We hope you will join us because there's a lot of questions on where the recordings are. I'm going to show you where they're all going to be. You can see it and I'll put the post in the chat. But I I couldn't share earlier because I was sharing the screen. I'm going to stop recording for now. Thank you all for attending. But if you hold on, If you're interested in finding out where these recordings will be, just hang in and I'll share with you in a second.